Boston, Take Note of My Ribs Prowess

In the greater Boston municipality, there are two well-known barbecue competitors, both trying to outdo the other in the "Most Overrated Ribs" category. It seems that neither of these establishments knows the three essential properties of outstanding ribs. Fortunately for them, neither do their patrons. Please allow me to raise everyone's awareness at the same time.

1) A good piece of meat. Not all pigs are made equal. Find a supplier who provides lean racks from formerly athletic pigs. The goal here is never having a customer take a giant all-fat bite. If possible, figure out who supplies them to Whole Foods, because their ribs are leaner than those supplied to other local grocery stores.

2) Tenderness. Folks, your ribs are too tough. I know because it takes 24 toothpicks to get all the sinew out of my teeth. I boil my ribs for 90 minutes before tossing them on the grill – perfection. They're so tender, you can leave your teeth at home. Now, some might scoff at a rib-boiler like myself, but whatever your preferred method, you're an amateur until you can match my tenderness.

3) Sauce. Why do these Boston joints have to get so fancy? Six different sauces to choose from but none of them passable south of the Mason-Dixon. I guess they make a lot of money selling sampler packs to rubes. But if they want to stick it to their competition, they should buy it by the 55-gallon drum from Hickory Stick BBQ in Shreveport, LA. They've been making the same one sauce for over twenty years, and it doesn't come in a logoed bottle.

Boston, consider yourself educated. I've got one more year left in this city. I challenge you to come up with a decent rack by the time I have the U-Haul loaded up. If you can, then maybe I'll change my mind and stay.